Coping with Suicide: Relatable Quotes are Relatable

A great man is not a man so strong that he feels less than other men; he is a man so strong that he feels more.

- G K Chesterton, Heretics Chpt 5 

O Lord, hear my voice when I call:
have mercy and answer.
Of You my heart has spoken:
"Seek his face."

It is Your face, O Lord, that I seek;
hide not Your face.
Dismiss nor Your servant in anger;
You have been my help.
Do not abandon or forsake me, O God of my help!
Though father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
Instruct me, Lord, in Your way;
on an even path lead me.
When they lie in ambush, protect me
from my enemy's greed.
False witnesses rise against me,
breathing out fury.
I am sure I will see the Lord's goodness
in the land of the living.
Hope in Him, hold firm and take heart.
Hope in the Lord!

Ps 26:7-14

Dear young people, do not be afraid of making decisive choices in life. Have faith; the Lord will not abandon you!"

Pope Francis

Further Unsatisfactory Interactions

So, that guy who was friends with my friend but failed at boundaries? Yeah... no. He has lost all of my sympathy.
After the text messages, well before, but re-enforced thereafter, my friend:

And a swear-y, alliterated version of "Go away forever."

She got sick and had to go to hospital. She was granted night-leave over which I was her "guardian" orwhathaveyou and, just before she was due to go back to hospital, that guy rocked up.

She's all

And apparently, his reaction of the swear-y, alliterated version of "Go away forever," was

Anyway, so he knocks on the door while she, her next of kin (henceforth nok) and I were there and I, being closest to the door, go to answer it and I'm like

and get up, drag him away from the front door (with little effort: he's pretty willing to come with me at this point) and the yell out to my friend and her nok who it is. They call the cops.

Now, this guy, he's kinda like:

 

and

So

And he's all

and says he'll just leave, then. To which I'm like

and take his keys off him because he's in no fit state to drive.

Nekminit, he's all:

But the sparkle in his eye isn't the Light Side of the Force

So I'm like

and hand the keys off to the nok

Anyway, some vague attempts to get back to the guys car are made on his part. I eventually leave the nok to block the guy's path and I go and check on how my friend is.
I come back outside and it looks like the nok and that guy had a confrontation a'la LotR and the nok's just been like

 

'cause the nok's shirt's all ripped and stuff

So I pull the guy the nok and for a bit it's like this

then he's all

My reaction to which, had I not been holding his hair, waiting for him to calm down, would have been

Anyway, so I came away with a bruised arm and some muscle damage, the nok came away with a torn shirt and some bruises, we got my friend to hospital and then discharged, and that guy had a series of reactions which I'll detail later.

I took my friend to the hospital in her car and, after the cops arrived, the nok met us there.

My thoughts on future interactions with that guy?

One Year On

Sending, with love to you all, this video from my YouTube channel.

http://youtu.be/e17wzcWGLbw

Please pray for the repose of my dad's soul & have a Mass offered for him if you can.
 Please also pray for my family, especially my little brother.

Please consider contributing to
An eBook for Geoff
details are in the doobity-doo below the video on YouTube.

Submissions can be emailed to eBookforGeoff@gmail.com
Please forward this to all of Dad's family and friends.

Thank you, again, for your love and support.

I remain,  
Servus per Mariae, 
 - Kelly

Unsatisfactory Interactions

My friend has recently had some unsatisfactory interactions with someone she considered a friend but who refused to accept the boundaries she put in place.

So she was like

 then he was like

 

and then

then, when she didn't respond, he was all

 

with a little bit of

and, finally, summed up with

My reaction?

This

Followed by these in quick succession of one another

 

 

They're both unwell but also both intelligent and high functioning: he knows what words and phrases trigger which responses and he chose to use demeaning language toward her.
I love them both, but nothing she could do was worth his reaction.

The Great Minimum

It is something to have wept as we have wept,
It is something to have done as we have done,
It is something to have watched when all men slept,
And seen the stars which never see the sun.

It is something to have smelt the mystic rose,
Although it break and leave the thorny rods,
It is something to have hungered once as those
Must hunger who have ate the bread of gods.

To have seen you and your unforgotten face,
Brave as a blast of trumpets for the fray,
Pure as white lilies in a watery space,
It were something, though you went from me today.

To have known the things that from the weak are furled,
Perilous ancient passions, strange and high;
It is something to be wiser than the world,
It is something to be older than the sky.

In a time of sceptic moths and cynic rusts,
And fattened lives that of their sweetness tire
In a world of flying loves and fading lusts,
It is something to be sure of a desire.

Lo, blessed are our ears for they have heard;
Yea, blessed are our eyes for they have seen:
Let the thunder break on man and beast and bird
And the lightning. It is something to have been.

          --G.K.Chesterton

Abortion and Psychosis, some clarification on my part

Below is a direct copy past from an email exchange with a friend.

From: FRIENDTo: KELLY
Subject: RE: Grey Area Sticky Abortion Question
Date: Tue, 27 Aug 2013 20:28:41 +0800

Hey there Kelly,

Good on you for looking out for this girl, I’m sure she appreciates your support and listening ear right now.

 There were many questions that came to me while I was reading this scenario (see my red below). Ultimately, I think this girl needs professional help in two areas. One area is ethical advice, which really ought to go to someone more experienced and qualified. I think bioethics in the Archdiocese is Fr Joe Parkinson’s responsibility? Bronia at the RLO could also advise you on who could help. I’d recommend you get in touch with either of these asap.

 The other area of professional help this girl needs is counselling with regards to coming to terms with her pregnancy. I think she may be thinking that abortion is the least bad of the options she is facing. Pregnancy Assistance might be able to help. Bronia at the RLO might also be able to advise you what to do on this. This girl may also need counselling in general for just being in this complicated situation.

 How does this sit with you?

 I’ll keep this matter in my prayers.

 God bless,

FRIEND

  

I've a friend, whom I met in hospital, who is allergic to oestrogen. Which is unfortunate because she has XX Chromosomes, as I do. Her reaction to estrogen day to day is severe depressive episodes.
We met in hospital because she'd started taking oestrogen based contraception and it had triggered a suicidal psychosis. If her fiance hadn't unexpectedly come home two hours early to find her unusually calm, she would be dead. That was around 2x her normal day-to-day levels.

This friend is now worried that she's pregnant. Oestrogen levels by the end of pregnancy are, apparently, about 1000x that of day-to-day levels. She's extremely resourceful and, during her psychoses, can be very deceptive about how bad things actually are. At anything more that 2x her normal levels of oestrogen, she will find a way to kill herself. If she is pregnant then wont her oestrogen levels have already risen significantly? They go up relatively quick I thought.

The Church teaches, through the principle of double effect, that she can continue and increase treatment for her mental illness during pregnancy, even to the detriment of the child. Sounds like the principle of double effect, but before definitively concluding on this difficult situation I’d get another opinion from someone more experienced in ethics. Has this girl already seen an ethicist at the hospital? She could take some oestrogen-blocking therapy, even if it kills the child.

The child could, however, survive to or past around 20 weeks when both pain and viability-outside-the-womb become a possibility I’m not sure if you could block oestrogen AND get to 20 weeks pregnant – more likely to miscarry early in the pregnancy if the hormones are not at healthy levels? If the child is born, at whatever stage after that, there is a high likelihood of terrible suffering for them. It is unlikely that the child will survive long after birth, if at all. What does she mean by that? Is it a health issue or something else… 

She could, of course, not continue or receive more treatment. That decision would depend on her mental health doctors wouldn’t it? I don’t know a lot about her psychotic-suicidal reaction to oestrogen. What if she just went under 24hr surveillance? Her husband could take leave and care for her?

Meanwhile, even a week of high levels of estrogen - much more for if it's 40 weeks - and this friend is likely dead; almost certainly.

Her question to me: How is killing the embryo, foetus, child slowly, possible over 9 or 10 months, more ethical than a direct abortion? My intention in either case is to stop in estrogen and the result in either case is the thing dying?

I’m not sure how the child could die slowly over 9 or 10 months. If she blocks the oestrogen then I can’t see how she could bring the child to full term.

If the child was born, is this girl thinking of killing the child?

I appreciate her lose-lose situation, but we both know abortion leads to further suffering.

She needs counselling with regard to her difficult situation. Pregnancy Assistance?

My question to you: How should I answer?


EDIT to clarify: I use allergy somewhat allegorically.
She has BPD and has a psychotic-suicidal reaction to estrogen. 
My assumptions, the 'givens,' are based on my close knowledge of her and her condition.
Also, yes, she could continue with BPD therapy; the resulting death or injuries to the child are of the same likelihood.
And, she uses a utilitarian prism for her moral compass:
"Greatest good for the greatest number," while believing that "There is some suffering worse than death."

*   ***   ***   ***   *

From: KELLY
Sent: Tuesday, 27 August 2013 10:30 PM
To: FRIEND
Subject: RE: Grey Area Sticky Abortion Question

Thank you, FRIEND. You raise some great questions.

I've been in contact with both RLO and PA.
I'm hoping to hear back from both tomorrow.

Alas, this woman is suspicious of anyone clearly on either 'side' of the 'abortion fence,' so to speak.
This means that the likelihood of her speaking to someone other than me or Fr Giles (whom she met while we were in hospital) is quite low.

Now, to your questions:

If she is pregnant then wont her oestrogen levels have already risen significantly? They go up relatively quick I thought.Yes. That's why she's worried that she's pregnant. It's been about a week and she's noticed a huge increase in her depression and the first symptoms of psychosis.

Sounds like the principle of double effect, but before definitively concluding on this difficult situation I’d get another opinion from someone more experienced in ethics. Has this girl already seen an ethicist at the hospital?This is part of my reason for contacting RLO.

Although we probably could have asked to have seen an ethicist in hospital, it's not really high on a mental-health patients list-of-professionals-to-see.

  I’m not sure if you could block oestrogen AND get to 20 weeks pregnant – more likely to miscarry early in the pregnancy if the hormones are not at healthy levels?Probably can't.

But she also has the option of continuing her current medication without taking the oestrogen blocker-thing which would severely harm the child.

What does she mean by that? Is it a health issue or something else… Health of the child in regard to the effects of the medication/s she'd be taking during pregnancy.

 That decision would depend on her mental health doctors wouldn’t it? I don’t know a lot about her psychotic-suicidal reaction to oestrogen. What if she just went under 24hr surveillance? Her husband could take leave and care for her?  Well, kind of. Under the Mental Health Act, you have the right to refuse treatment.

The only type of supervision that might work is being in a Locked Ward for the duration of the oestrogen spike.

She'd probably have to be literally tied down: it's the curse of being a high functioning mental health patient that, once you've decided that you need to die, nothing but physically preventing you from acting will stop you. 

 I’m not sure how the child could die slowly over 9 or 10 months. If she blocks the oestrogen then I can’t see how she could bring the child to full term.If the child was born, is this girl thinking of killing the child?I appreciate her lose-lose situation, but we both know abortion leads to further suffering. She needs counselling with regard to her difficult situation. Pregnancy Assistance?

 As above, probably not. 9 months in the womb, maybe a month outside.She has not intention of killing a live-born child.It does, but so does several months of phychosis. 

I will continue trying to chase (up or down) any help I can get for her.

 Thank you, again, for your help and - more especially - for your prayers.

 You remain in my prayers, too.

 -Kelly

Abortion and Psychosis, A question

I've a friend, whom I met in hospital, who is allergic to oestrogen. Which is unfortunate because she has XX Chromosomes, as I do. Her reaction to estrogen day to day is severe depressive episodes.
We met in hospital because she'd started taking oestrogen based contraception and it had triggered a suicidal psychosis. If her fiance hadn't unexpectedly come home two hours early to find her unusually calm, she would be dead. That was around 2x her normal day-to-day levels.

This friend is now worried that she's pregnant. Oestrogen levels by the end of pregnancy are, apparently, about 1000x that of day-to-day levels. She's extremely resourceful and, during her psychoses, can be very deceptive about how bad things actually are. At anything more that 2x her normal levels of oestrogen, she will find a way to kill herself.

The Church teaches, through the principle of double effect, that she can continue and increase treatment for her mental illness during pregnancy, even to the detriment of the child. She could take some oestrogen-blocking therapy, even if it kills the child.
The child could, however, survive to or past around 20 weeks when both pain and viability-outside-the-womb become a possibility. If the child is born, at whatever stage after that, there is a high likelihood of terrible suffering for them. It is unlikely that the child will survive long after birth, if at all.

She could, of course, not continue or receive more treatment.

Meanwhile, even a week of high levels of estrogen - much more for if it's 40 weeks - and this friend is likely dead; almost certainly.

Her question to me: How is killing the embryo, foetus, child slowly, possible over 9 or 10 months, more ethical than a direct abortion? My intention in either case is to stop in estrogen and the result in either case is the thing dying?

My question to you: How should I answer?



EDIT to clarify:
 I use allergy somewhat allegorically.
She has BPD and has a psychotic-suicidal reaction to estrogen. 
My assumptions, the 'givens,' are based on my close knowledge of her and her condition.
Also, yes, she could continue with BPD therapy; the resulting death or injuries to the child are of the same likelihood.
And, she uses a utilitarian prism for her moral compass:
"Greatest good for the greatest number," while believing that "There is some suffering worse than death."

Poetry Post: The World State by G K Chesterton

Oh, how I love Humanity

With love so pure and pringlish,

And how I hate the horrid French,

Who never will be English!

The International Idea,

The largest and the clearest,

Is welding all the nations now,

Except the one that’s nearest.

This compromise has long been known,

This scheme of partial pardons,

In ethical societies

And small suburban gardens—

The villas and the chapels where

I learned with little labour

The way to love my fellow-man

And to hate my next-door neighbor.

G.K. Chesterton

De Eucharistae

Even what we have come to call 'the words of institution' are absent from some early Eucharistic settings.

Sr Patricia Smith RSM, Teaching Sacraments

The short answer to Tyson's question, "is this true?" appears to be no.

Long post re: your question this morning.

So, from what I can see, " Ambrose says (De Sacram. iv): "The consecration is accomplished by the words and expressions of the Lord Jesus. [...] the form of this sacrament implies merely the consecration of the matter, which consists in transubstantiation, as when it is said, "This is My body," or, "This is the chalice of My blood." " (ST IV q78 a1)
Not 'Words of Consecration;' no Consecration.

As for the old Liturgies not having that:
Liturgy of St Mark:

"The Priest (aloud): For this is my body, which is broken for you, and divided for the remission of sins.
The People: Amen.
[...]
The Priest (aloud): For this is my blood of the new testament which is shed for you and for many, and distributed among you for the remission of sins.
The People: Amen."

Liturgy of St James:

"Then he says aloud:— Take, eat: this is my body, broken for you, and given for remission of sins.
The People: Amen.
Then he takes the cup, and says:— In like manner, after supper, He took the cup, and having mixed wine and water, lifting up His eyes to heaven, and presenting it to You, His God and Father, He gave thanks, and hollowed and blessed it, and filled it with the Holy Spirit, and gave it to us His disciples, saying, Drink all of it; this is my blood of the new testament shed for you and many, and distributed for the remission of sins.
The People: Amen."

Also, from the Apostolic Constitutions, Book VIII

"Being mindful, therefore, of those things that He endured for our sakes, we give You thanks, O God Almighty, not in such a manner as we ought, but as we are able, and fulfil His constitution: For in the same night that He was betrayed, He took bread (1 Corinthians 11:23) in His holy and undefiled hands, and, looking up to You His God and Father, He broke it, and gave it to His disciples, saying, This is the mystery of the new covenant: take of it, and eat. This is my body, which is broken for many, for the remission of sins. In like manner also He took the cup, and mixed it of wine and water, and sanctified it, and delivered it to them, saying: Drink all of this; for this is my blood which is shed for many, for the remission of sins: do this in remembrance of me. For as often as you eat this bread and drink this cup, you do show forth my death until I come. "

The only thing I can think of is that perhaps Sister means that it wasn't mentioned in St John's Gospel?

***

http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/0718.htm
http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/0717.htm
http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/07158.htm
http://www.newadvent.org/summa/4078.htm#article1

Coping with Suicide: Quetiapine

Of late, my thoughts have been racing a bunch, so my doctor proscribed me some quetiapine to help quiet the thoughts.
Most of my thoughts-sans-quetiapine have ended up similar to Dave the barbarian's.

Depression

Depression is a funny thing.
In that it's only funny if you don't get it.
Or if you have it and all your meds are working.
Or, at least, if you have it and it's one of the more bearable days.

It's funny in that some people are completely okay with the sufferer being sad all the time
not being able to get up
not having the energy to organise get-togethers
not being able to concentrate
But as soon as there comes a diagnosis, can not be in contact with the sufferer.

Coping With Suicide: 6 Months On

Yeah,
So,
Six Months, hey?

How's that going?

Well, it's suprising that i ti s.

I'm not coping really well
But I'm aware that I'm looking like I'm coping a fair bit better than, say, 3 months ago.

I can't even think about death or suicide or dad or parents or fathers without tears coming to my eyes.
So I don't think about those things,
and if they come up, I switch off.

I have trigger words
and I'm re-learning how to avoid them.

Like, my medication is helping
Helping me to ignore it all again
Helping me to get up in the morning
Helping me to interact with people again

But
But I'm not healthy
Not even close.

I'm still kinda suicidal.
If it wasn't for the Faith telling me that it's a bad idea
and
If it wasn't for the not wanting to put my brother through another suicide
then I think I would

I don't want to, though
I just am having such a hard time seeing the way through

Sure, I know - at least intellectually - that God provides the way through all things
and that
Even though I walk in the shadows of the valley of death
No evil [ought] I fear
I'm told that He
is there with [His] crook and [His] staff to protect me
But I feel so unprotected

It's such a good thing that this Holy Faith is not about feelings
"Stop feeling; just do it,"
my spiritual director told me.
Which is what I'm doing

Which is what's keeping me alive

Coping With Suicide: Blogging

As my attention span has been waxing and waning, my blogging, particularly for anything related to this series, has been grievously effected.
I don't want to talk about how I'm going at the moment, especially not here, because I know that there are people who read my blog who comment, either off or online about what I post, either to me or to my friends, which makes it difficult for me to move beyond a particular feeling, emotion, thought or expression thereof.
I don't want other people's input; I don't want other people's unsolicited input; I don't want other people's unsolicited-by-me input.

I'm finding everything difficult. I've been acting a lot lately because I'm sick of being down and I'm tired of being tired.
Today, however, has been a pajama day.
It's been a "I really want to eat a lot of chocolate and snuggle under on the couch under a blanket" day.

Little things keep reminding me of dad.
I was in Bunnings yesterday; it's possible that it was the first time since he died - I don't remember. Anyway, I wanted to cry but couldn't or didn't.
We - some friends and I - drove past the Kwinana grain terminal the other day and, again, I was on the verge of tears. It's a great fortune that I was listening to one of them give his testimony and, so, was otherwise occupied.
Someone talking about motorbikes, about single parents, about Rockingham, about Sarborough, about tatoos, about Canberra, about moustaches, about white roses; all of these things are hard to hear about.

These roses are similar to the bunch I laid on dad's coffin (Credit: X)

And, yet, I missed his 5 month anniversary.

I completely missed it and didn't realise until almost the end of the following day that I had.

*sigh*

I don't want to deal with this anymore.

However, I recognise that fighting this battle is a gift; being able to fight it is a gift; having a battle to fight is a gift.

What? How?

Well, the alternative of not being able to fight is doing what dad did and that, frankly, is not an option.

The alternative of not having a battle to fight is being dead.

This, therefore, is a gift, even if it's wrapped in layers of pain, lethargy and lack-of-blogging.

Coping with Suicide: The Road Ahead

Coping with Suicide: Manalive

"'Somebody once toldme,' said Rosamund Hut, '