Yeah,
So,
Six Months, hey?
How's that going?
Well, it's suprising that i ti s.
I'm not coping really well
But I'm aware that I'm looking like I'm coping a fair bit better than, say, 3 months ago.
I can't even think about death or suicide or dad or parents or fathers without tears coming to my eyes.
So I don't think about those things,
and if they come up, I switch off.
I have trigger words
and I'm re-learning how to avoid them.
Like, my medication is helping
Helping me to ignore it all again
Helping me to get up in the morning
Helping me to interact with people again
But
But I'm not healthy
Not even close.
I'm still kinda suicidal.
If it wasn't for the Faith telling me that it's a bad idea
and
If it wasn't for the not wanting to put my brother through another suicide
then I think I would
I don't want to, though
I just am having such a hard time seeing the way through
Sure, I know - at least intellectually - that God provides the way through all things
and that
Even though I walk in the shadows of the valley of death
No evil [ought] I fear
I'm told that He
is there with [His] crook and [His] staff to protect me
But I feel so unprotected
It's such a good thing that this Holy Faith is not about feelings
"Stop feeling; just do it,"
my spiritual director told me.
Which is what I'm doing
Which is what's keeping me alive
Showing posts with label Reactions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reactions. Show all posts
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
On Reactions
I'm a hypocrite; I wish I wasn't, but I am. As much as I would like others to be more sensitive to my feelings and how easily bruised I am at the moment (emotionally speaking, of course,) I currently have not ability to do the same for others.
Last night, hoping to find a sympathetic ear in mum, I was venting to her about something someone said to which I would have liked my reply to be, "Oh, so you've recently lost your father? I'm so sorry," as a reaction to - to put it bluntly - a little bit of emotional dumping after I (hoped I'd) made it plain that I didn't have the energy to talk to people. Instead mum reminded me that I don't have to take on other people's problems, but listening to them might be helpful for both of us. Even though she's correct - I don't have to take on other people's emotions - I didn't want to hear it. I made this quite clear with my body language and then, when she tried to hug me, I turned away. Understandably, this hurt mum a lot. I wish that I was aware enough to have stopped hurting her before I started. However, when she told me that she was hurt by that action of mine, I went and made her wound worse.
I have been opining to a few people about others' lack of awareness of the emotional well-being of those around them. Then I go and cut mum down. I wish I could take back what I said and, especially, that I could take back the way I said them. Although I'm not going to pretend that mum's words and actions didn't hurt me, there is little excuse for me acting the way I did in retaliation. My reaction, though informed by my own fragility did not take into consideration mum's; neither was it consistent with my expectations of other people.
May I always remember:
Last night, hoping to find a sympathetic ear in mum, I was venting to her about something someone said to which I would have liked my reply to be, "Oh, so you've recently lost your father? I'm so sorry," as a reaction to - to put it bluntly - a little bit of emotional dumping after I (hoped I'd) made it plain that I didn't have the energy to talk to people. Instead mum reminded me that I don't have to take on other people's problems, but listening to them might be helpful for both of us. Even though she's correct - I don't have to take on other people's emotions - I didn't want to hear it. I made this quite clear with my body language and then, when she tried to hug me, I turned away. Understandably, this hurt mum a lot. I wish that I was aware enough to have stopped hurting her before I started. However, when she told me that she was hurt by that action of mine, I went and made her wound worse.
I have been opining to a few people about others' lack of awareness of the emotional well-being of those around them. Then I go and cut mum down. I wish I could take back what I said and, especially, that I could take back the way I said them. Although I'm not going to pretend that mum's words and actions didn't hurt me, there is little excuse for me acting the way I did in retaliation. My reaction, though informed by my own fragility did not take into consideration mum's; neither was it consistent with my expectations of other people.
May I always remember:
But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! because you shut the kingdom of heaven against men; for you neither enter yourselves, nor allow those who would enter to go in. (Mt 23:13, RSV)
