Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Coping With Suicide: What Do I Want?

What do I want?
I want to stop thinking about suicide.
I want my dad back. I want to tell him that I love him and I want to ask him "why?" I want him to be sober and I want him to be alive.
I want to think rationally and I want to be able to pray.
I want to be able to interact normally without having to fake it.
I want to die but I want to live.
It's not that I want to die, per se. It's that I want to escape.
Are my ideas about running away and the thoughts of suicide the same thing?
Running away won't jeopardise my eternal salvation. Maybe I should do that instead?
But that won't solve my problems.
Neither will dying.
I want to be normal. That is, I want to be healthy and stable.
I want to fight this.
But I also want to give up.
I want to cry.
I want to cry and not stop.

Argh! That reminds me of what dad wrote.
Crying though the tears have run out.
Not being able to cry but the tears won't stop.
That wasn't it, but that was the gist.

I want peace.
I don't want to be suicidal.
I want to be healthy.
I want to understand.
I want to cope.
I want to do better than cope.
I want to live and to live well.
I want to "have life and have it abundantly."
I want to be able to pay rent.
I want to live, yet I - not I, though - want to die.

I do not want to feel this conflicted.
I want to know what 'fun' is.
I want to not fake happiness or enjoyment.
- I want it to be genuine.
I don't want to cry.

I need to be able to talk and cry and talk.
And I need to be able to do it without limit. I need to not stop after 6 or 8 or 12 sessions.

I need help.
I'm scared.

What if this can't end?
I want to sleep forever
and wake up happy.

I want to laugh genuinely.
I want to live.

I don't remember what happiness feels like.


Brother G said...

Weep little one. And then put on your happy face- act happy and eventually your feelings will catch up. This is what my ancestor Rebbe Nachman taught and he suffered great depression and sorrow. As I do. I weep in secret and laugh in public- many of us have bitter sorrows we bear but we go on for the sake of others.

Brother G said...


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