Thursday, June 6, 2013

Coping With Suicide: 6 Months On

Yeah,
So,
Six Months, hey?

How's that going?

Well, it's suprising that i ti s.

I'm not coping really well
But I'm aware that I'm looking like I'm coping a fair bit better than, say, 3 months ago.

I can't even think about death or suicide or dad or parents or fathers without tears coming to my eyes.
So I don't think about those things,
and if they come up, I switch off.

I have trigger words
and I'm re-learning how to avoid them.

Like, my medication is helping
Helping me to ignore it all again
Helping me to get up in the morning
Helping me to interact with people again

But
But I'm not healthy
Not even close.

I'm still kinda suicidal.
If it wasn't for the Faith telling me that it's a bad idea
and
If it wasn't for the not wanting to put my brother through another suicide
then I think I would

I don't want to, though
I just am having such a hard time seeing the way through

Sure, I know - at least intellectually - that God provides the way through all things
and that
Even though I walk in the shadows of the valley of death
No evil [ought] I fear
I'm told that He
is there with [Hiscrook and [Hisstaff to protect me
But I feel so unprotected

It's such a good thing that this Holy Faith is not about feelings
"Stop feeling; just do it,"
my spiritual director told me.
Which is what I'm doing

Which is what's keeping me alive

1 comments:

restlesstheology said...

The Lord builds up his people, He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds.



Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

You and your family are in my prayers Kelly. Christ's peace be with you. Continue to do, as you say.

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