Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Coping with Suicide: At the Moment

Today, I’m going better than yesterday. I didn’t want to run away crying at the sight of someone else. This said, yesterday’s episode was brought on because it was unexpected. I didn’t expect there to be another person at the bus stop near mum’s place, so it was uncomfortable. It’s not so much that I need a set routine - an hourarium, for example - to function, but I do really need to know that the social conventions are going to be followed and, it seems, that whatever it is that I’m expecting will happen.

Now, this could be taken as a “my way or the highway” attitude and in some sense it is. However, it has nothing to do with opinions and everything to do with people, places and things acting as one might reasonably expect them to act, with a twist. The only other person I’ve seen waiting at that particular bus stop while I was also waiting there was my brother; we were going somewhere together. Here was someone else! Something unexpected! And to make matters worse, an entire family, a further four people showed up to hop on the bus as well. Now, once they were on the bus, there was not problem for me. I expected to see people on the bus. I didn’t expect to see people at that particular bus stop in the middle of a day, on a working day, no less: I really, really didn’t expect to see five of them.

Oh, they were complete strangers and none of them wanted to talk to me. That’s not the thing that got me. It was just that there were people there.

Does it actually matter? No, not at all.
Did it feel like it mattered at the time? Absolutely.

Today, so far, has functioned as a normal morning of me waking up in the house that I pay rent at would. True, Eliza’s here. But I expected to see her; forewarned is forearmed, as they way. (Not that I was lacking my forearms yesterday…)

Anyway, I don’t feel as fragile at the moment. I don’t feel like a handshake might undo my ability to stand or to not cry.

At the moment.


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