Monday, January 21, 2013

On Reactions

I'm a hypocrite; I wish I wasn't, but I am. As much as I would like others to be more sensitive to my feelings and how easily bruised I am at the moment (emotionally speaking, of course,) I currently have not ability to do the same for others.

Last night, hoping to find a sympathetic ear in mum, I was venting to her about something someone said to which I would have liked my reply to be, "Oh, so you've recently lost your father? I'm so sorry," as a reaction to - to put it bluntly - a little bit of emotional dumping after I (hoped I'd) made it plain that I didn't have the energy to talk to people. Instead mum reminded me that I don't have to take on other people's problems, but listening to them might be helpful for both of us. Even though she's correct - I don't have to take on other people's emotions - I didn't want to hear it. I made this quite clear with my body language and then, when she tried to hug me, I turned away. Understandably, this hurt mum a lot. I wish that I was aware enough to have stopped hurting her before I started. However, when she told me that she was hurt by that action of mine, I went and made her wound worse.

I have been opining to a few people about others' lack of awareness of the emotional well-being of those around them. Then I go and cut mum down. I wish I could take back what I said and, especially, that I could take back the way I said them. Although I'm not going to pretend that mum's words and actions didn't hurt me, there is little excuse for me acting the way I did in retaliation. My reaction, though informed by my own fragility did not take into consideration mum's; neither was it consistent with my expectations of other people.

May I always remember:
But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! because you shut the kingdom of heaven against men; for you neither enter yourselves, nor allow those who would enter to go in. (Mt 23:13, RSV)


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