Monday, March 4, 2013

Coping with Suicide: Unifinished Post on Intellectualism

This post has been written  over several days in my journal and then typed. I will indicate day changes, rather than editing the tenses in the post.
(1) I’m writing this post in my journal in front of the Blessed Sacrament before copying it onto my blog.

I have constructed a tower room, fortified but with a balcony - or maybe it’s a roof space - from which I can view what is going on around me. It is an intellectual tower from which I view situations and feelings, both mine and others’.

This tower is not new: I don’t remember not living in it, even though I do remember when it was still being fortified. I remember, too, have short holidays away from my tower-home.

Some of my fortifications have been let down; some were smashed through and when the in vader had been repelled, rebuilt and strengthened; some further are protected by moat or desert.

Look at my metaphor!

This intellectualism has prevented many thins: huts and wounds; the breakdown of friendships; the building of friendships; joy and healing. That is not to say that these things haven’t happened. It is to say that they have neither been as damaging nor as fruitful as they could be. In some senses I think that’s the same thing.

The impediments that this intellectual tower poses to y natural relationships are the same as those posed by it to my supernatural relationships. Similarly, it aids both my natural and my supernatural relationships in like manner.

(2) I thought that I would call this post “Intellectualism, A Saving Grace,” but the further I get into it, the less sure I am about that title.

In a very real (or, at least, quite tanglible) way, my conversion to Christianity has taken place after my Baptism. I guess that is the purpose of the ancient practice of mystagogy. None the less, my conversion has been intellectual, rather than effectual. This means that the rule-based approach has been easier for me to follow than the “Yay! Jesus makes me feel happy and that’s why I’m waving my hands in the air like I just don’t canre and singing ‘Waoh-oh-oh, woah-oh-oh’ like in blimeycow’s worship song which is sooo inspired and that’s why it only took five minutes to write and yay for Jesus! Approach to Christianity.

It has always been easier for me to follow rules than not. However, these rules have had to be consistent.

I was going to write about intellectualism as a saving grace because, at the moment, it is my intellect which is keeping me in the Catholic Church. Only tow world views make sense to me at the moment; namely, atheism (probably with some ‘spiritualist’ elements) and Christianity. Of these two, only Christianity offers a satisfactory answer to suffering. I can’t be vaguely ‘spiritualist’ because if we are more than mere matter, spiritualism doesn’t answer - it is impossible for it to answer - the question, “Suffering?” I can’t be purely materialist because I don’t see the physical (as in related to physics) connection between my dad’s death, his suicide, and my moods; I am certain, however, that they’re connected.

The Cross makes sense out of suffering. The Passion makes sense out of suffering. The Garden of Gesthemani and the Garden of Eden show the only two possible reactions to God’s plan, to the Cross: “Non serviam,” or, “Servus tuus ego sum, Deus; fiat voluntas tua.”


Brother G said...

Kelly the modern day Lady of Shalott in her tower weaving with her intellect what she sees in the Mirror. "four gray walls and four gray towers". Come away with me Human Child to the waters and the wild-leave those four gray walls and towers behind in a wild frolick of mystical delight. see

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